Daily Office
Thursday
¶ Matins: I’m going to the country this weekend….
¶ Sext: What a coinkydink! There I was, chatting with the ganome about Jane Austen, when an advance-fee scam letter, as crabbedly composed as if the writer had been sweating over Mansfield Park, popped into my mailbox.
Oremus…
§ Matins. And looking forward to it! I’ve been meaning to go for ages, but a happy congruence between Kathleen’s schedule, my host’s schedule, and my spring-fever craving for an unpremeditated lark, the time is right. I’ll go up on Saturday at some point, and return on Monday morning. Whether my trip involves remote blogging remains to be seen; I’m told that the wireless reception is dicey.
I haven’t been to Salem in nearly four years, since the Republican Convention of 2004. My host’s daughter was just a wee thing then. She’s still a wee thing, really. But I won’t be surprised if she offers to cut me a rate on the guest room.
§ Sext. I really must share the text with you.
How are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family?,You may not understand why this mail came to you. But if you do not remember me, you might have receive an email from me in the past regarding a multi-million-dollar business proposal which we never concluded.
I am using this opportunity to inform you that this multi-million-dollar business has been concluded with the assistance of another partner from PERU who financed the transaction to a logical conclusion. I thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of the fund into your account due to one reason or the other best known to you.
But I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the fund into my new partner’s account in PERU, who was eventually, capable of assisting me in this great venture. Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trust worthiness You showed during the course of the transaction.I want to compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of $100,000 I have left a certified international bank draft for you worth of $100,000 cashable anywhere in the world. My dear friend I will like you to contact my Pastor in Cotonou- BeninRepublic, his name is Rev Henry Farms, on his direct email address(revhenryfarms@yahoo.com) for the collection of your certified Bank Draft.I authorized him to release the Bank Draft to you whenever you contact him reguesting for it.
At the moment, I’m very busy here because of the investment projects,which I and the new partner are having at hand. Please I will like you to accept this token with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart, Also comply with Rev Pastor Henry Farms directives so that he will send the draft to you without any delay.
My very generous correspondent helpfully includes a reply form, for the personal touch.
His email address once again:(revhenryfarms@yahoo.com)
Therefore, you should send him yourfull Name …………………..
telephone number………………….
your correct home address ………..
where you want him to send the draft to you,
Thanks and God bless you and your family.
Hoping to hear from you as soon as you cash your Bank Draft.
Dr John Tabasi
My lucky day!
I just love the tortured English in spams! Occasionally, I too have been known to post some of the more entertaining letters. I also have been known to regale my office mates with some of the more egregious affronts to the language.
My dear Uncle, who was about 90 at the time and living in Florida, had a friend who wanted him to participate, to the tune of $10,000, in a scheme to release $10 million, and my Uncle called me to confer.
I had him put me on the phone with the friend, who suddenly played dumb and innocent. I pointed out that my uncle, a priest, was not a wealthy man and could not be wasting his time on scams and, trying to be polite, I pointed out that if the deal was so good he, the friend, should certainly take advantage of it and with his newfound wealth contribute to a new church for my uncle in Managua.
The phone call was suddenly over….