Dear Daily Blague Readers,

As part of some sort of Outreach Program for the Blogless or something – I don’t know what he’s thinking, exactly – R J has kindly invited me to guest blog from time to time.

After a giddy twelve seconds of pride in this wondrous achievement – from my humble beginnings in the mail room, I have ascended to the rank of contributor  to The Daily Blague! – I began to fret that R J would ask me to write an inaugural post “introducing myself” to Daily Blague readers.  I apologize for whining – already! – but an introduction would be difficult for me.  I have issues.  Not the least of which is this one:  in the real world, introductions are a near-phobia of mine.  The truth is, you do not want to be introduced to me.  As a woman with a warm heart, I feel great compassion for people who are introduced to me.

Because I have really, really cold hands.  There are worse afflictions, but this one is weird, and a little funny, I think.  When a person offers a hand to me for shaking, I must immediately compose my face so that he or she can’t detect the involuntary inner cringe – that  would surely be misunderstood…!  This poor stranger doesn’t know what’s coming, but I do.

I should explain that I have little in common with that order of women referred to by Molly Shannon as “The Cocoa Sisters”:  those wispy ladies, swaddled in layers of sweaters, who always seem to be warming themselves over mugs of hot cocoa or steaming herbal tea.  No, I’m not spindly.  Or chilly.  I just have perpetually, freakishly, cryogenics-experiment-gone-awry cold hands. 

For all I know, it’s my Superpower, and shall one day save Mankind, and you will thank me.

Until that day:  please try to imagine this mini-crisis from my point of view. Before me is a fellow human, smiling, or at least gazing pleasantly into my eyes, leaning toward me, with his or her hand extended in this warm gesture of goodwill.  Oh, honey...! 

(Yes, I know what you’re thinking:  Why don’t I simply warn the person?  “My hands are cold – sorry!”  Easy enough, and that should cover it, hmm?  I do that. Of course I do that.  Not  giving a warning would evince a level of cruelty reserved for sociopaths.)

To further complicate matters:  I look down at the hand of this unsuspecting person, hovering there between us…seconds are passing…hand is hovering…and then – perhaps because I have a hair-trigger humor mechanism? or out of sheer perversity? – my brain shouts this to me:  “DON’T LAUGH!!”

So if you are ever introduced to me in person, it will be like this:  I will have managed to set my face on ‘reciprocally pleasant’; checked the moronic impulse to burst into giggles; given my cold-hands warning in a friendly tone.  In turn, you will have done a polite little head shake/eye squinch/one-shoulder-shrug thing to indicate that, aw, it’s fine, I needn’t worry – the rush of joy from a moment of physical contact with me is all you could possibly notice.

But then you’ll clamp onto my five popsicles…

…and I’ll have to watch an internal struggle play out on your face.  Oh, honey.

Sometimes people’s voices betray them:  “Hel-lohrrrrrrp!”  Oy – Bill the Cat-esque gasping noises.  But usually it’s the tell-tale eyebrow action that lets me know my new BFFs are fighting the instinct to yank back their hands.  They are thinking, Freezer burn!!  They are thinking, This must be what Absolute Zero on the Kelvin scale feels like.

Folks, I feel pity; I feel shame.  Also:  I feel like LAUGHING VERY HARD.  Which is so wrong of me.

You see?  Isn’t the internet much, much better than real life?!   I get to say hello and tell you that I’m delighted to be posting here – without causing you pain, and without having to watch your eyeballs bug out!  Many of us are already acquaintances of a sort, chez R J, yes?  I’ll be posting a couple of times a month or so, and your comments would be most welcome.

To R J:  Thank you for the invitation!

Sincerely yours,

Yvonne

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 9th, 2008 at 1:01 pm and is filed under Blogosphere, Yvonne. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.